When People Let You Down

I remember being a kid of around 7 years old or so, and meeting Santa Claus for the first time and sitting on his lap. He would ask me what I wanted for Xmas, and I would tell him. Then on Xmas, I got a model of a toy I did not even want.

Santa hadn't listened!!

I specifically told him what I wanted, and he got me something I had NO interest in. I think that was my first time in experiencing a loved one letting me down.

Of course, it turns out later that there WAS no Santa Claus and that my parents "lied" to me, so it was kind of a moot point. But you see where I am going with this? I had an expectation as a kid, and when it wasn't met by my belief system, it was a major disappointment.

Fast forward to present day life...

Imagine that you are living a life of substance. You make bad decisions from time to time, but who doesn't? You try and do the best for your kids and your family, but it's inevitable that you are going to let them down someday. Then it happens.... You look into the eyes of your loved one and see the hurt and disappointment of letting them down when they needed you the most. It feels like you are getting kicked in the stomach every 5 seconds and you can't sleep because your brain keeps replaying that look in your head over and over again. It is exhausting, and paralyzing...

And of course, we have all been the person who was wronged and having to look that loved one in the eye, and ask the dreaded question that never can be explained, "WHY?!" Then staring into glassy eyes that offer no explanation of the hurt caused, and wanting so badly to have an explanation that makes sense to you so that you could understand it, and forgive.

But that answer never comes...

It can't.

The reason why it can't ever be explained, is that there are 2 different belief systems in the equation, and one is not compatible with the other. One person would not be able to bring themselves to "do such a thing" and the other person, not only would do it, but HAS done it. -Even though remorse might be offered, it most likely is because they see the hurt in the eye, but not in the offense.

"I'm sorry I hurt you," They offer, but there is little value in that tendering because we have lost respect and admiration for that person taking advantage of our emotions.

Oh, it's a mean world out there sometimes.

Maybe that's the reason why I love my dog, Pal.

She will never let me down...

Where were you the on the day Kennedy was shot?

There are moments that you would remember in your life simply by the date on the calendar. Weddings, Anniversaries, Birthdays, and other important days.

Then there are the Historic ones...

Sept. 11th, Nov. 11th, June 6, July 20th, and of course, today, November 22. -The one that really defined the question, "Where were you on the day Kennedy was shot?"

Never before had such an event happened in history, as the live TV coverage that day caught the Crime of the Century, as President Kennedy was assassinated on November 22, 1963. The debate of who actually delivered the fatal headshot that killed him is debated to this very day. There are hundreds of conspiracy theories about the event that day, and until the year 2017, the "truth" will remain a closely guarded secret.

I still think it is the worst lie a government has passed on to its people, and I find it insulting that the government would expect their people to swallow such a laughable untruth. But I guess it's the people who have accepted this "truth" and haven't pressed their government for the real answers, so we have no right to complain about it.

Lastly, I find it ironic that the Presidential image of JFK that hangs in the White House of each President, is this one below. I look at this picture and can't help but think that this is JFK posthumously being dejected that he died in vain, and nobody brought his assassination to justice...

But today, on November 22nd, I remember your place in history John Fitzgerald Kennedy...

Remembrance Day 2010

I love this day...

This day really hits home for me as a proud Canadian.

This day symbolizes so much in my rich country's history of ridding the world of tyranny and giving all of us peace and freedom. This freedom which is now a right to everyone living in my beloved country comes from every single family in the first half of the century, and forged with heartache and ultimate sacrifice.

Generation after generation stepped up and gave more than what they were asked to give when it mattered most. At many times in my thoughts I wonder how many of the citizens of present day Canada would step up and answer the same call if it were asked of them...

I would like to answer that by being involved in a Remembrance Day ceremony in each and every town and city in Canada on November 11 each year.

Growing up as a child, I was taught the importance of this day. My father served in The Canadian Armed Forces, as did my grandfather. I remember being in school on this day during Remembrance Day ceremonies and being disappointed that my fellow students didn't approach this day like I did. They all seemed to be trying to be polite because it was asked of them, but I didn't get that they understood why this day was so important. I remember looking down at my shoes and thinking that I didn't know any of these people, and so it would be kind of stupid to feel sad about this as if I were at a funeral of someone I actually knew.

After all, my generation grew up not knowing war. My parents generation grew up not knowing war and human loss. That is 2 generations removed from the horrors of war, which is a long time. How could I be expected to really know what I took for granted every single day. For all I knew, every single person in the world lived as well as we did here in Canada. I had never stepped foot off of North America at the time, and I was ignorant as to how others in the world lived. I couldn't comprehend that freedom wasn't enjoyed by everyone in the world.

But then again, I was just a kid... What did I know...

Then in my mid 20's I travelled Europe, and the historic places etched in time that were consecrated in the battle for freedom. I felt the eerie presence of death and sacrifice. I stood in front of tombstones of the glorious war dead with row upon row of names that were unknown to me, but known to the cause of freedom. I felt a debt so overwhelming that I felt sick to my stomach. Knowing how close the world came to losing a war, that would've handed one of the most evil men in history the ability to rule the world was sobering.

And walking away from these hallowed places that serve as final resting places for people who could've made different choices in their lives was mind boggling. They now lie at my feet as servants to the cause of the freedom I enjoy today. How ironic, because it should be me, who should be laying at their feet to thank them for caring enough in our way of life that they would give the only life they had to ensure that freedom lives on.

So when I take my daughter out for the Remembrance Day ceremonies each and every year and she asks me, "Daddy, why do we do this?"

I can answer... "Honey, we do this so that each and every generation that is secure in freedom knows the cost of this way of life. To ensure that this is not forgotten, just the same way that you will teach your children what we are teaching you. So that we will live and enjoy our family and friends, and have every chance for happiness in every moment in our lives. And we owe this debt to those who we can never repay, and once a year we meet together in our communities to ensure that we will never forget this. Because this ensures our identity of living as free Canadians"

Lest We Forget...

Remembrance Day 2010

I love this day...

This day really hits home for me as a proud Canadian.

This day symbolizes so much in my rich country's history of ridding the world of tyranny and giving all of us peace and freedom. This freedom which is now a right to everyone living in my beloved country comes from every single family in the first half of the century, and forged with heartache and ultimate sacrifice.

Generation after generation stepped up and gave more than what they were asked to give when it mattered most. At many times in my thoughts I wonder how many of the citizens of present day Canada would step up and answer the same call if it were asked of them...

I would like to answer that by being involved in a Remembrance Day ceremony in each and every town and city in Canada on November 11 each year.

Growing up as a child, I was taught the importance of this day. My father served in The Canadian Armed Forces, as did my grandfather. I remember being in school on this day during Remembrance Day ceremonies and being disappointed that my fellow students didn't approach this day like I did. They all seemed to be trying to be polite because it was asked of them, but I didn't get that they understood why this day was so important. I remember looking down at my shoes and thinking that I didn't know any of these people, and so it would be kind of stupid to feel sad about this as if I were at a funeral of someone I actually knew.

After all, my generation grew up not knowing war. My parents generation grew up not knowing war and human loss. That is 2 generations removed from the horrors of war, which is a long time. How could I be expected to really know what I took for granted every single day. For all I knew, every single person in the world lived as well as we did here in Canada. I had never stepped foot off of North America at the time, and I was ignorant as to how others in the world lived. I couldn't comprehend that freedom wasn't enjoyed by everyone in the world.

But then again, I was just a kid... What did I know...

Then in my mid 20's I travelled Europe, and the historic places etched in time that were consecrated in the battle for freedom. I felt the eerie presence of death and sacrifice. I stood in front of tombstones of the glorious war dead with row upon row of names that were unknown to me, but known to the cause of freedom. I felt a debt so overwhelming that I felt sick to my stomach. Knowing how close the world came to losing a war, that would've handed one of the most evil men in history the ability to rule the world was sobering.

And walking away from these hallowed places that serve as final resting places for people who could've made different choices in their lives was mind boggling. They now lie at my feet as servants to the cause of the freedom I enjoy today. How ironic, because it should be me, who should be laying at their feet to thank them for caring enough in our way of life that they would give the only life they had to ensure that freedom lives on.

So when I take my daughter out for the Remembrance Day ceremonies each and every year and she asks me, "Daddy, why do we do this?"

I can answer... "Honey, we do this so that each and every generation that is secure in freedom knows the cost of this way of life. To ensure that this is not forgotten, just the same way that you will teach your children what we are teaching you. So that we will live and enjoy our family and friends, and have every chance for happiness in every moment in our lives. And we owe this debt to those who we can never repay, and once a year we meet together in our communities to ensure that we will never forget this. Because this ensures our identity of living as free Canadians"

Lest We Forget...

The Dog, The Monkey, and the Cheetah

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!"

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................

"Now where did that stupid monkey go? I sent him off a half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

Now go out there and enjoy your day!!

Who are you "Pining" for?

Who do you still remember in your life that you still wonder about, or wonder if you could've been with that person?

Let's be honest... We all do it.

We all can be happy as a clam in our current relationship, but there is always someone in our "closet" waiting for us to stop thinking about, or what "could've been"

It's never talked about, and it's never brought up because it is so threatening that even WE won't admit it to ourselves sometimes! -Even though we know it. But we could never be able to admit it, because it would be relationship suicide.

How am I doing so far? Do I have your attention, because it feels like I am reading your mind?

Well, you are not alone, and certainly not the only one who feels this way. And no, it doesn't make you a bad person, it only makes you a NORMAL one...

But oh, the guilt!! The wondering, the infatuation, the over-thinking, the sadness, the heartache. These are powerful emotions that won't ever let us stop and sleep at night. Worse, you hope to God that your partner will never be able to read into that deep, lusty mind of yours and find out that you are not thinking of them all the time. That there is that ONE person who "got away" or was unfinished business and now you feel that you will just never know what it could've, or would've been like.

Sad...

But let me tell you something... I can almost guarantee that your memory of that person is tied to a better time and place in your life that is now impossible to get back to. Perhaps it was the summer of your life, or the time when you had great memories of a trip somewhere when you met. But that time has come and gone and so has the chance to get back to that spot, and usually you are chasing a memory that is all but impossible to live up to in the real world.

So let me ask you this...Do you think that this person can bring you happiness now? Do you think that you are missing out by never trying to "give it a shot"? -Maybe, but I will tell you honestly, that you can never get back to that place, and you are chasing a dream that is being carried by the wind.

Then why does it seem SO REAL to us that this person lives rent-free in our heads, and we are always thinking about them? Why does it consume us little by little everyday in small cases, and totally consume us in big cases?

I think it is because we always want what we can't have...

But, even if I'm the only person that thinks that way, why do YOU do it? And before you answer, please be honest to at least yourself when you answer. Nobody is going to hear it, and I know that you think if you say it out loud, it becomes real. -Well, I got news for you. It's been real for years, and you are just coming to grips with it now. It doesn't make you a bad person, believe me. It only makes you normal.

Oh, and I'm sure that there are the small percentage of people out there that will tell me honestly that they are exactly happy with their soul mate in life and that they got everything that they ever wanted.

To which I respond, "Perfect! But do you really think your partner feels exactly the same way as you do?"

One Moment in Time

Whitney Houston does such a phenomenal job of bringing chills to me whenever I listen to this song, and most importantly, it's message. My favourite passage of this song is what I will include here and share with you...



"I want one moment in time

When I'm more than I thought I could be

When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away

And the answers are all up to me

Give me one moment in time

When I'm racing with destiny

Then in that one moment of time

I will feel

I will feel eternity"


Now, anyone who knows me will tell you that I am a competitive person, and I share that in my love of sports. This message to me sends Olympic triumphs to my head, and I envision my one moment in time to reflect an ego-centric version of me on a podium in front of the world getting the acknowledgement that every human craves.

However, this week I have a different vision...

When I heard this song again (because I have heard it many time before in the past) it sent a different message to me, and so I thought I would share that with you now.

Having a child and watching them grow up in front of your eyes is a gift that none of us truly deserve. These little people are so precious and they are everything that we value as parents, and people living together. Having a child is also something that brings you to another level as that person, and they are the only reason why we would do things against our will and love it. We do it because they deserve more than we can ever give.

A friend of mine posted an idea the other day that I loved, and it ties in with my thought today. His thought was this, and I have paraphrased it here below...

"Unless a person has trained themself for this chance, the chance will only make them look ridiculous. A great occasion is worth to someone exactly what the preparation enables them to make of it. Remember, it wasn't raining when Noah built the ark. You've got to be in a position for success to happen. Success doesn't go around looking for someone to stumble upon. Total preparation now, and live life like champions do."

And what a complete truth that was to me when I read it.

So instead of hearing that "One Moment in Time" song now and thinking of myself, something completely unexpected came to me, and it made me realize something that I had never thought of before, and I began to write this down....

"At this time, I want my daughter to see me prepared to watch her father not fail. I want her to be watching when a life changing moment comes our way, and have me not freeze from fear or an inability to react. I want to remain cool when conflict arises and have wisdom handle the situation, and not a scared little man inside my body who has existed in me up until this point in my life.

My life was previously about what I can do for myself, and now it is about what I can do for my child, and prepare her for a life of whirlwind experiences. It is my utmost fear that I will fail my daughter in a moment in time that defines who I am, and what I stand for. It is my biggest fear that she will see this and will remember it for her entire life.

Therefore, I must train my body and mind so that when the moment arises, I will not fail her and I will always give her the example that a young person deserves from their parent. I realize that every child deserves a parent, but not every parent deserves a child.

Because this alternative is something so horrific, that it will motivate me to work hard in succeeding beyond my wildest dreams so that I will be able to know that when I am gone from this earth, that I did not fail in being the best example I could to the one person in this life that matters most to me. -My Child.

Because if I were to succeed in that one moment in time and my daughter has seen in me in it, that means that I will never have to prove another thing to another person in my life.

And that will be my One Moment in Time, and that will BE my eternity..."

I Know I'll Never Love This Way Again

I was listening to Dionne Warwick's title song "I Know I'll Never Love This Way Again" today and it made me reflect on my own life.

I have truly loved only a few women in my life. Starting from the very first and all the way to the last, my ability to love has changed so dramatically, that looking back at my life, I don't think I could ever love that same way ever again.

I remember my first girlfriend. I remember seeing her for the first time as she walked by me in a red dress on a Saturday afternoon in Ottawa. I was smitten right away. I told a buddy of mine, "I love that girl. She's going to be my girlfriend, you just wait and see"... I was with her from just after my 17th birthday till I was 25 years old. 8 years, and I loved that girl so...

I loved her in silly stupid ways. I did "stupid boy" things to get her attention. -I embarrassed her every time I could when people were around so that she knew I liked her. I collected pictures and anything she sent me, I put up on a wall in my bedroom, which after a while became like a Shrine to her after we were going out for a while. I wrote her ridiculously long letters and called her all the time just to hear her voice. When I wasn't with her, I was constantly thinking of being with her, and everything I thought about her made me smile. She inspired me, and I was so attracted to her. The first time we were together was like a memory that will be forever etched in my mind and it was beautiful in every way.

However, that love could only last a certain amount of time, and as we both got older and became adults, I became a real asshole chasing my boyhood dream of being a businessman. I got pulled into the corporate world and I took the love of a great woman and threw it away to be a selfish, cocky kid. When we broke up, I took a year away from dating other girls and I did a lot of travelling to Europe and tried to "Find" myself.

About a year later, I found my second love, whom I would eventually marry. I met her one night in late November through a friend, and we were engaged to be married on the day after Christmas, some 30 days later. I fell immediately in love with her, and it was complicated because she lived in California and I lived here in Toronto. But we loved each other so much that we were determined to make it work, and we were married 6 months later.

However, I had learned from loving my childhood girlfriend that my love in this new relationship would never be the same way. I'm quite sure my wife wondered if I loved her as much as I loved my girlfriend, and when she asked me, I would always respond, "well, I married you, didn't I?"

But the thing was, I loved them differently. I loved them both, but it was in very different ways. But I think people's egos and feelings get threatened by previous loves, and so they want to be reassured that they are loved more than their predecessor. And to be fair, I couldn't allow myself to be a young kid and do the things that young love did now that I was a husband in my mid 20's trying to build for his family. So I loved my wife in a very adult manner and stopped being a kid in puppy love. The small things I did in my first relationship, I couldn't bring myself to do in my marriage because I thought I was above such silly things. My endearments were less spontaneous and thoughtful and much more calculated and calloused.

That relationship lasted 7 years. We eventually grew apart, and lost the love that was between us. The relationship just became too hard for both of us, and so we agreed to part ways and allow each other the happiness that might be out there in the form of someone else. It was a very adult and logical decision, but it was about to force me to love a TOTALLY different way in my next relationship, regardless of who was going to be in it.

I was very bitter coming out of my marriage and I practically doomed myself to fail in love again because I was so jaded by love. I knew that even if I found the right girl, I would be in the wrong frame of mind to be able to fully love again, and that is exactly what happened. I was my own worst enemy at this stage of my life and I did think I found love, only to have it thrown back in my face. I was a moron who didn't want to love with his whole heart, and I was carrying around way too much baggage. The thing is, I knew it and still couldn't stop myself from being this way. All my friends even tried to help me out, but I wouldn't respond. I had a chance at love, being as rare as it is, and I did everything to sabotage myself because I would'nt let myself love this way again.

Well, this ruined me.

I was a miserable person for many years after that, and although I had managed to still be "Me" and enjoy my life, I was still looking for the chance at love again. -And this time, I was going to love her like I was meant to love that someone special.

But it's funny how each time someone new comes into your life, we make THEM pay for our past mistakes, isn't it? We carry all our past issues and experiences with us, and then unload that on our new loves unintentionally trying to hide our own insecurities. We are scared that if they find out who we "really" are, that they won't love us for who we are and so we create a facade to look brave behind.

When we are hurt, we don't let them know why. When they do something that has been a sore point to us because of a previous relationship experience, it is our partner that pays for this, not us. We thrust it on them as if they should've known better.

And that's not fair is it?

But I guarantee you that we've ALL done this in some manner or another. All because we are too afraid to admit that we are human, we are jaded, we are scared of not being loved, and that we don't want anyone to know about it.

But in the end, these insecurities become our downfall, don't they? This ruins the relationship and the love that has been magically created between us. When jealousy and insecurity start rearing their ugly head into the equation, it will just be a matter of time until it ruins the relationship.

Looking back at these moments in my life now, I can honestly say I know I will never love this way again. -It's not just the title of a song, it describes how each of us loves differently in every relationship of our lives.

I imagine that at the end of my life, I will love totally different than I do now. My priorities will change as life progresses, and what used to bother me before isn't really an issue with me anymore. I matured and understood more about how people work and realized that it's not them trying to hurt me, it's more about how they are trying to make themselves happy, and that may not be the same with how I need to be loved.

But through this whole process, I can look back and see how I loved each woman in different ways because that was the way I thought I was able to love. I didn't love any one woman more or less than the others, I loved them each differently, and in different times of my life. These experiences lead me to the next love, and it was up to me to see what I learned from the previous relationship.

And now? I think that I will never love like that teenage boy who was giddy with my first touch of love, nor will I love like the responsible adult with calculated romance that all men seem to have the knack for. I think I will just be me and love like my heart tells me to, and not make my partner pay for the sins of my previous relationships. That's not fair to her or me.

And moving forward, I think that's all you can ask. -Just be to be fair, and to love without fear...

Why Do Good People Do Bad Things?

The debate is lost only on those who are convicted for crimes against people and society. They are convicted offenders of being "Bad" people. The people on the outside of the bars, are mostly considered "Good" people, right? Or are they? Maybe the only difference between them and the "Bad" people is that they haven't been caught yet?

Well, let's leave the bad people out of this for now...

Let's just assume that most of us in society are good people. We work, have families, love our kids, and pay our taxes to live in Canada. The overwhelming majority of Canadians are middle class, and we share economic commonality with millions of others in society. Canadians are considered to be nice people, and we are accepted globally because of this reputation. So... if we are all good people, why do we ALL do bad things?!

Why do you work really hard on your character, reputation and integrity for your entire life, only to do a bonehead thing that removes all your credibility? Why do we do bad things? What kind of things you ask? Hmmmm, let's look at a few:

Why do we:

Lie
Cheat on our spouses and significant others more than once
Hurt people physically and mentally
Extort Power
Screw people over

These are just a few that you could start a LONG line of doing horrible things, right?

So why, if we are good people, do we do these things?

I would like to think that we are all good people, that are trying to get into heaven, or any afterlife, and we NEED to be good. Accountability is a bitch, and it keeps most of us in line, but there are those who think that they are above the law, and that they can manipulate the system and others in it.

I think greed and selfishness are the underlying reasons, and I think we are all born with a sense of entitlement and look out for our own interests first.

Sad, but true.

I can safely say that I have been a bad person in my life, but I would consider myself a good person overall. I can admit that I have committed some horrible things in my life, and I shake my head in shame at why I did them, but it doesn't change the fact that I was weak.

And that's what I think it comes down to.

Weakness.

If you are strong and prepared well enough, you will make the noble and correct decision when that opportunity comes along that you make other choices. You make the WISE decision, and not the easier one.
This is HARD, not because we don't know the difference between right and wrong, (because we all know the difference between right and wrong) but because it's just too damn easy to make the wrong decision.

Until you have to pay for it. And then you get the buyer's remorse, times 10.

Then comes guilt, that horrible gut-wrenching feeling of being caught in a bad dream for life. -Something that you can never get back...

It's horrible stuff, and we've all been through it.

But yet, even after all of this, we still continue to do bad things...