The Cost of Changing the World

I was watching the movie, "Invictus" with Morgan Freeman and Matt Damon the other day. The movie is based on the the true events of Nelson Mandela who became the President of South Africa after spending 27 years in jail.

So many things came to my mind while I was watching this movie. I saw Mandela, with his compassion and commitment to something bigger than himself, his family, race or his people. I saw him being committed to the human spirit.

At the end of the movie, I was left with a question that I was embarrassed to answer. I saw that Nelson Mandela had spent 27 years in jail. He had endured the loss of absolutely everything you could remove from a human being. His family, his freedom, and his legacy. All of these had been removed from him. Yet, they could not remove his spirit without his permission.

That's when I asked myself a question. If some Divine being approached me and told me that I could cure the evils of the world, but the cost of doing so was to spend 27 years away in prison like Mandela, would I do it? If I would agree to giving up 27 years of my life in a prison away from my daughter, family and friends, many of the evils of the world would be cured.

And I hung my head in shame because I valued my life more than the causes of the world which need cures. We all say we want to change the world, and maybe some of us do. Yet, fewer people still are willing to pay the cost to do so because the cost is ever so great. In fact, it is more than most of us are willing to pay. It's easy to be comfortable and exist inside of the nice bubble that we have been afforded in North America. But that won't make a difference in the world.

Living a legacy like Nelson Madela, (amongst many others) did. And the cost of that is seemingly too high for us to bear...

Why Men are Intimidated by Powerful Women

The Alpha Female, heeeeeeeeeeear her ROAR!

If you are an Alpha Female, most likely you have asked the question, "Why are men intimidated by powerful women?" I have been asked to address this, so I will attempt to answer this question. 

From my experience, I will say that men are NOT intimidated by powerful women. In fact, properly viewed, powerful women are confident. Confidence is one, if not the most attractive trait in people. So if you are a genuinely confident person, chances are, you do well in attracting a partner. 

However, there is a difference between cocky and confidence. Cocky is a "fake it til ya make it" mentality. It's about having to draw external energy to validate a belief system which they don't truly believe. So they need constant validation, or worse, they go around bragging about what they do in an effort to convince themselves and others. It's blaming others for not being able to handle them, instead of creating connection with people. It's instigation, instead of collaboration. Confidence bonds because it allows others to show up, and it isn't threatened by them, or their gifts. That's being cocky. Cockiness breaks the law of attraction, whereas confidence binds it. 

So why is it that confident people feel that they can't attract a partner? Perhaps they blame others for not accepting their greatness, or power. Well, I can tell you what I have found in this circumstance. 

I have found that the #1 reason people stay in any relationship is if they have the ability to contribute. If a person feels that they cannot contribute in the relationship, there is no reason to stay in it. You will have to look inside of your own relationship to find out what it is that you bring to the table, and where you find your worth, and also where you didn't find your worth in ending a relationship.

So to start this, I need to explain that in a man's life, from the time that he is a little boy, he is taught to provide and protect his family unit. This starts off with his siblings, moves into his romantic relationships, and by the time he gets married he has learned that his whole role is showing up to make sure his wife is happy. Happy Wife=Happy Life. To men that means, you put the biggest diamond you can afford on her left finger, find the best home you can afford, and taking care of the kids from a providing and protecting role. That paradigm is thousands of years old. Yet, it is an outdated one...

In 2015, North American women don't need a man to take care of them. They are now educated, empowered and ready to live a life independent of how their mother's lived their lives. The North American woman's paradigm has shifted 180 degrees, and they now no longer need a man to provide and protect them. They can do it by themselves.

Yet, one of the only ways men know how to show up in a relationship is by providing and protecting for his family, wife or girlfriend. It's how men derive value or worth in a relationship. Devoid of that contribution, men feel that they are no good, or less than others. So there is no value or contribution in them showing up with a powerful woman who doesn't really need them. I know if I feel unvalued, I would leave that relationship as well and find someone who needs or values me. Because we all need that common feeling as a person.

So it's really quite simple.

Women who are powerful and need to show the world that they can do it themselves actually rob others around them of being able to contribute in the relationship with them. Whenever they say, "give it to me, I'll do it myself!" you actually rob and demean someone else of their value. You exclude, instead of connect or include. So it's no wonder why these Alphas find themselves feeling exhausted and alone. It's a consistent and common issue I hear from Alpha women all the time. Alpha Females cast a really big shadow. Men don't like to live in the shadow of someone who won't give them space to express their Love the way they have been taught.

So, if you want to create space for your partner, allow him to show up and contribute in the way that he knows how to. Allow him to provide and protect for you, and thank him for his concern. After all, he is trying to show you he Loves you. When you create space for him instead of taking it away, he will "man up" and demonstrate how he Loves you.

And that in itself is a pretty wonderful thing...

"What is HE Thinking?! Why Won't He Tell Me?"

Women, have you ever asked your man, "What are you thinking?"

If you have ever been replied back to with the standard line, "Nothing", you are at the right blog post.

I could go a couple ways with this topic, so let me tackle the less dramatic first. Sometimes, men tell you "Nothing", he really means it. Before I explain, let me say that I am generalizing in these examples. There is nothing absolute in life like I am suggesting, yet for the most part, the pattern of how humans operate is fairly consistent in this manner.

Men have this wonderful tool to disconnect and zone out called, "The Nothing Box." Women don't have this tool. It is exclusively a man-tool. It resides inside the man-cave, next to the golf clubs, hockey sticks and the big screen TV.

Let me explain the Nothing Box. Look at the man's brain as a bunch of boxes inside of his head. There's the Sports box, the Work box, the Money Box, the Porn box, and then there's the Nothing Box. When a man goes there, he concentrates on doing Nothing, and they are good at it. It's the tune-out-the-rest-of-the-world box, and it's a coping mechanism to get back to zero, and re-charge his batteries.

By contrast, Women don't have boxes in their heads. Instead, Women have copper wire rolling around inside of their brains like a runaway roller coaster. Thoughts are all connected, and they swirl around like the proverbial hamster wheel, and it never ends. Women generally can't sit at do nothing or go to the nothing box for no good reason because the world (or they) would judge themselves too harshly that they are not being productive, worthy, efficient, or good enough. By contrast, most men simply don't give a shit.

So let's deal with the issue when you ask your man what he's thinking, and he said, "Nothing" but you feel that he's lying to you, or not wanting to share what's on his mind.

There are generally only 2 reasons why men won't share what's on their minds.

#1) They don't have the capability to express their feelings or emotions.

These are men who have been taught that whatever they have to say or feel, doesn't matter. As in, "I'd complain about it, but who would listen?" They have learned that they don't complain or talk about their feelings because they don't matter. -Words won't make a difference, because only actions create solutions, and these are just words. Men take on the problems, and suppress them instinctively. If they ask you for help, which rarely happens, it is for advise or a solution, not just to talk.

#2) He doesn't feel safe in telling you, sharing or being vulnerable.

First of all, because men are geared to be providers and protectors, they don't feel safe in being vulnerable. Vulnerability is a weakness to them, not a strength. Men think that they are not providing strength. In the man's world, Women want and need to feel safe, and it's the man's job to provide that. So even it they wanted to share their feelings, they are hesitant because it's not normal for them. They want to project strength, not weakness because they don't have all the answers.

For the most part, men are ok with feelings, but they are put off by DRAMA. Men are ok with women's feelings, but not over-reactions. So if you hear the word, that you "over-react"in your relationship, it might be something to consider.  So if your man doesn't answer your question about what he's feeling, he simply doesn't feel it's safe to do so. It's not going to be worth the drama that it might cause by being honest. To him, it's simpler this way...

So here's the thing: If the woman is responsible with her emotions, responds in a Loving and caring manner with understanding, compassion, and not judgement or anger, he will share. Men need to feel supported more than any other feeling they have. If you support your man the way it makes sense for him, you will see him find another gear to dig down deep, and work harder at the relationship in making you happy. Support is even more important than sex to a man. It's the answer to all of his issues, and it will give you connection.

Anything other than that way of support will get you the simple and easy reaction, "Nothing."

Men, Sex and Cute Shoes

I had a woman ask me a question over the weekend, “Why do men Love sex so much?”

It was a good question.

I can’t tell you the scientific reason or the chemical breakdown of serotonin and dopamine levels in the male frontal lobe, but what I can tell you is that sex is very significant to most males.
Perhaps it’s the same way I don’t understand why security, cute shoes and wine are important to women, but I simply accept it. It doesn't really matter if I can’t understand it, it only matters if I accept it.

I do find it odd though because sex probably feels better to a woman than it does to a man. The best example I’ve heard came from a woman who asked me, “when you itch your ear, what feels better, your finger or your ear?”

Good point.

Males have one orgasm, females have the ability to have multiple orgasms. In fact, if I were an alien coming down from outer space, and I was presented with this logic in trying to understand the sexes, I would guess 10 times out of 10 that females were the sex crazed species, not males. I’m not suggesting that females don’t enjoy sex. However, when working with couples, I have found that whenever sex is an issue in the marriage, it’s predominantly women who have lost the urge. When women stop having sex with their spouses, it really gets interesting. For whatever reason, (and there could be hundreds of them) when women become disinterested in having sex, they expect their partners to understand, or guess why they aren’t interested instead of communicating it.

Unfortunately, men are autistically poor mind readers. So poor in fact, that they won’t play the guessing game as to why, if you don’t come right out and tell them. So if you aren’t going to have sex with him, it’s just a matter of time until he finds someone who will.

Allow me to use a playful example of this.

A woman went to her regular favourite shopping mall/store to buy a pair of shoes. She was brand and store loyal, and when she got there she saw these really cute shoes, and got really excited about them. She tried them on to see if the size was the proper fit, and it was! Then she went to buy the shoes at the counter, and the familiar store owner wouldn’t sell the shoes to her. For whatever reason, the store owner refused to sell the shoes to the woman. After trying to figure out why, and being told no many times, the woman finally got frustrated and said, “Well fine! You aren’t the only store around selling those shoes, I’ll just take my business elsewhere!” Then the store owner got all upset at the woman for taking her business elsewhere, oblivious to the fact that the woman tried her hardest to buy the shoes in this store first. This is a lose-lose situation, and it happens all the time.

Now, I understand that logic can have little space inside of emotional situations such as this. And I also understand that there is always a reason why people withhold sex as a weapon, instead of being able to communicate openly about it. There is almost always something a man has done/not done to cause a woman to feel disconnected to him and withhold, or vice-versa.

So the problem only gets worse by not communicating about it, yet that’s primarily what we don’t do. We feel it’s better to not talk about it, than really get to the root cause of what has happened, and deal with the impact.

So the problem isn’t sex, because sex is an amazing tool. The problem is about how we feel about our sexuality, or the lack of it, and then communicate it. And our sexuality isn’t going to go away, we simply repress it and justify that “it’s ok”

Yet, there are a thousand reasons to have sex. It is a great stress reliever, it releases happy thoughts, it feels amazing, it connects. There are more reasons to have sex than to do the dishes, clean the house, work more, or any other reasons we come up with to avoid the issue which has permeated itself into our sexuality.

So if you aren’t having sex with your partner and there’s some reason why, it’s just a matter of time until they find someone who will sell them a pair of shoes that they want to buy…

Nice Guys. Why They Don't Win

Whenever I hear a man say, "Nice guys never win" I always think, "No, nice guys DO win. Boring guys don't win."

In my workings with relationships, I have come to a certainty that most people are attracted to 2 traits in particular. These are inter-changable inside of the sexes.

They are Humour and Confidence.

You show me a "nice guy" who is funny and confident, and I will show you a man who is having no complaints that "nice guys finish last."

The only nice guys who finish last do so because they are lacking the funny and confident, or they are attempting to attract someone who isn't a fit for them. These are pretty easy signs to see that they could move on to someone who is a better fit for them. Yet they seem to want to be the victim in declaring that "Nice Guys Finish Last" to absolve themselves of the result, and lay blame on others.

It's much easier to blame someone else than look at why you're not being successful in attracting a partner. Success leaves clues, but so does Failure.

I'd like to think that all women appreciate men who are genuinely nice. However, nobody likes boring. If you're nice, but you're boring or uninteresting, chances are you will finish last.

But nice guys don't finish last, ever...

Could You Be Happier in Your Relationship(s)?

I wanted to ask, “Could you be happier in your relationship(s)?”

While researching for my book, “Men Don’t Get It”,  I have spoken with over 2000 women about their working, and intimate relationships.

What I discovered is that the vast majority of women were exhausted, disappointed, frustrated and angry in the relationships in their lives. They were left feeling taken for granted, not heard or respected. Their energy felt zapped at the end of each day, and it translated into a very difficult life.

That’s unfortunate because it doesn’t have to be this way.

In fact, there is good news! What I discovered from interviewing over 2000 women is that there is a platform that works perfectly between women and men, and that women are the inspiration for it!

I have created a 4 session program called, “Connections”

In this program, we meet once a week for a month working on customizing your communication style inside of your relationships. During this time, you will discover how to feel Loved in the way it makes sense for you. You will also:

1   Discover what you want in life

2   Communicate instead of reacting

3   Transform every relationship you are in

4   Discover peace of mind

5   Create energy instead of waste it

6   Find the right partner for you

7   Inspire your partner, and feel Loved in return

8   Stop Worrying

9   Release the need for control

I found that if you were able to master even one or two of these traits, they would be life changing. In contrast, what it has cost you, or is costing you in your personal life to not have this?

You can have whatever you want in your life. You just need to ask.

I am asking for the opportunity to work with you.  If it interests you, or someone you think it would benefit, please reach out to me via email @ chuckbastie@gmail.com

I look forward to answering any questions you may have, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.