Another Auld Lang Syne...
Saying goodbye to an entire decade is pretty sobering. If you're like me and reflect back on the journey, it can get really emotional. Ten years is half a lifetime to a 20 year old, but when you're 47 like me, it's not as trans-formative in that physical growing sense. Instead, it's the spiritual growth that's the real treasure, and certainly, that was me in the 2010's.
One of the things I reflect on, is the people whom I've lost in my life. Whether they be through death, or worse, through parting of ways. I think death provides a certain amount of certainty and closure. Yet, when the person is still alive and you're estranged from them, it's another level of death without the closure. Losing people is a natural happenstance in life, and we all deal with it differently. There were Lovers, friends, family, or hero's. And remembering these people in your life are quite emotional, and sometimes its the heartbreak of your entire life that you never fully recover from.
I've had wonderful women come into my life. Each one transformed me in such a profound way that I never Loved the same in the aftermath of the break up. In the 1980's my very first girlfriend was one of these people. I Loved her in silly boy, puppy Love ways. We went out from the time we were 17 until were 25. That's an eternity when you're coming out of high school, and through College and University until you start making your way though life. Still, I say I never deserved her Love. She was an amazing woman, and I recklessly threw that Love out the window. It took me years to figure out why did that. I had horrible guilt for the longest time and even though she had forgiven me, I couldn't bring it to forgive myself. But hell, I was just a stupid kid. Thankfully, we were able to meet for dinner this year, which actually turned out to be the anniversary of the night I asked her out as a 17 year old, 30 years to the day, hour and year of having dinner together. Talk about serendipity and closure.
In the 90's it started with the woman I met one random night, and 26 short days later, I proposed to. When you meet that person, and the timing is there, Love strikes unknowingly. We were married in mid 1999, and we returned to the decade-ending New Year on the Sunset Cliffs in San Diego where I had asked her to marry me a year earlier. In making our New Year's vows, I gained a confidence I never knew existed. I promised her I would make 100K in that year so we could live a better life with choices. Up until that point, I hadn't earned more than 52K in a year, so this was quite the promise. But a funny thing happens to a man when he is inspired by the woman he adores. He finds another level to step up to. And by the first week of March, I had made 112K.
Like, wow. I finished that year making over 300K including a month where I made 60K in May. I don't say this to brag, but instead to illustrate a point that it was only possible by the Love of a woman who inspired me past a point I thought was unattainable. I didn't do this because I was capable of it, I did it because she elevated me to that point. I was clear that it wasn't me. And how I know that is, when we broke up in mid 2000's, I went back to making 50K and I've never had that level of success ever again.
In the 2000's it was a collection of weird circumstances. My marriage failed. I went into a pit of despair without the muse of a life partner to guide me away from myself. I was my own worst enemy. In fact, I was just toxic. I met a woman under the wrong circumstances, and I spent a lot of effort of putting a square peg in a round hole. Writer, Oscar Wilde has a quote that described this perfectly for me. He said, "There are only two tragedies in life: One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it" And I got the latter.
I think this was the greatest self-loathing period of my life. Unfortunately, this is also the period of time that I did the majority of blogging and writing. I wrote about 1000+ blogs during this time. Most of them I would never read or revisit because that tormented kid is long gone, and I'd like to think a better version replaced him. However, darkness has an innate ability to create beauty. And for a glimpse of time, I was a creator of that darkness. So much so, that the partner I was with during that time was on the receiving end of the worst heartache I've ever dealt, and that is something I dearly regret. I was a lonely, emotionally tormented soul searching for a light to guide me.
Cue the entry of the woman in the 2000's that changed my life.
She was a siren. In fact, she was the strongest soul I had ever met. She had all the space in dealing with all my darkness and inabilities. She Loved me for the wounded little boy inside the cocky man I had become, and I trusted her implicitly. She became my best friend, my Lover, and life partner. The inspiration I gained from her influenced me to write. After landing in an Intensive Care Unit hospital bed, I vowed to change my life, almost akin to a near death experience. And she had all the space for that journey, and was my rock the entire way.
She taught me how to process my feelings, trauma, regrets, and losses. I had to deal with a lot of demons which created me to be my own worst enemy. I tossed 800,000 words of a novel I was working on for over 3 years. Under her direction, I finished 13 chapters of the first draft of that novel in 21 days. Some of the writing still needed a lot of work, but my process of healing came through writing that novel. I sustained multiple TBI's (concussions) during that time, and it took me about 18 months before I was symptom-free. I know I couldn't have had my own angel like the way she showed up for me in my darkest, saddest hours. In fact, never when I had little to offer in life, was I never so content inside the challenging times life dealt as I was in her arms.
Sadly, our paths parted in 2013, and it ruined me. Like truly ruined me, and I don't think I've been the same every since. Without her inspiration, I've barely coasted through the 2010's and she has never been equaled up to now. I miss that partnership, that Love, that relationship which touched and transformed my soul. I will undoubtedly never Love the same way ever again.
So this leads me to my point.
In the Robbie Burns poem, Auld Lang Syne, which we sing on New Year's Eve, he poses the question,
"Should auld acquaintances be forgot, and ne'er brought to mind? Should old acquaintances be forgot and days of Auld Lang Syne" Then he answers his reflective question by toasting these Loves, saying, "we'll take a cup of kindness yet, for Auld Lang Syne."
In the days of Auld Lang Syne, I reflect to those wonderful women who Loved me when I clearly didn't or couldn't Love myself, and be grateful for their Love and support. I now know that this inspiration that I sought needed to be created from within and complemented with a partner, and not extracted from that partner. And with that, I welcome the lessons of each decade on the first day of the year 2020.
So Happy New Year to you all. I thank you for all your friendship, Love, patience and kindness, no matter how small or big. I look forward to an exciting new start; the continuance of Self-Love, and the Journey we are all tied in, being souls having a human experience together.
