The Food Network

Everyone has seen the Crocodile Hunter, right?

He was the passionate outdoorsman from Down Under, that had that REALLY annoying way of explaining things that 99% of the world didn't care about. Man, even hearing his voice in my head gets me annoyed!! He was distinctive in his tone and demeanor, and even if you didn't understand the English language, you would get his passion. Previous outdoorsmen before him like David Suzuki, Jacques Cousteau, and others had a much calmer way of conveying their peaceful message to their audience; but not the Crocodile Hunter. He was different from his predeceasors. And call him annoying, but he was very popular before his untimely death.

Enter the newly popular food network stars.

After following such boring acts such as Julia Childs and other run-of-the mill food personalities, they take the Crocodile Hunter's passionately annoying approach to selling their sizzle. Now whether their audience is a stay at home mom or a food enthusiast, the normal format for a food show, was just showing the way to cook the dish, and there was never much personality to it.

With the advent of the food network and their new generation of Stars, I think the network is looking to cash in on annoying TV personalities in the mould of the "Crocodile Hunter a la Cuisine."

Now I get the point that food can be tasty, and there are a lot of people out there that are passionate about food. But to me, food is a necessity, not an art. I get really annoyed when people duplicate Meg Ryan's orgasm scene on "When Harry Met Sally" because they really like a bite of food.

Get over it.

Yes, I'm sure that it is really good, but you are most likely paying for it, so it SHOULD be good. Anytime you go out to a restaurant and order something and have to pay a 300% mark-up on the food, plus the tax and tip for the priviledge of having someone serve you, you should have an experience similar to intense sex. But it doesn't always work out that way does it? And that's where I have to hear all the bullshit about how horrible it was to your pallet. Poor you. I can assure you that there are bigger disappointments in life to bitch about rather than how bad your service and meal were.

My question is, are you full? Sure, the taste wasn't to your expectations, but if you are full and not hungry, isn't that the point of eating? I just really hate when you go to a fancy restaurant and you spend 200 bucks for a small portion of an entree that my dog wouldn't even be happy about. It seems that the more money you spend on a dinner, the less you seem to get. That's really not fair is it? Sure, it looks good and the presentation and environment of the restaurant is exquisite, but in the end, if I have to go to McDonalds on the way home after this dinner to buy a $5 combo because Im still hungry, I'm gonna be pissed.

Now, I'm not completely oblivious about how good food is to the morale of people. In the navy, seamen will tell you that food really does make the difference. There is nothing worse than having a really long shift and a bad day, only to sit in front of a tasteless, bland meal. In fact, the navies of the modern day nations have actually employed and trained chefs and cooks to make sure that the meals served on board are top notch and great care has gone into their menus.

In my own life, I can relate. I remember walking to school and freezing my ass off getting there. Getting beat up and teased on the playground and then listening to Charlie Brown's teacher wonk-wonk-wonk at me while the minutes seem like hours before lunch time. Finally lunch arrives just before my 8 year old body got my first grey hair, and I go to my lunch box and my lunch turns out to be a dry peanut butter sandwich with an apple.

This is called the "Lunch Bag Letdown" (I know that some women are more familiar with the term in association to bringing home a man who has drank too much whisky, but this is the PG-13 term...)

It really does make the day better when you have a good lunch or dinner, but it to me, it's not worth the moans and groans in its absence.

Getting back to my point...

I'm tired of seeing people being pretentious about food. I'm tired of seeing it at restaurants, or resorts, or being around someone who constantly complains about it. Food is meant to fill your little belly up and then give you energy and strength. If it happens to give you some sort of endorphan release, good for you. If you are missing that in your sexual life and need to get it from food, I would suggest that you see a specialist about your condition. If you feel the need to be "that guy" who has an accomplished pallet, and share your opinions, talk to some person who shares your Crocodile-Hunter food passion.

These people who sell food as sex on the food network are just plain annoying to me. As annoying as the Crocodile Hunter was talking about what was obviously his passion, is what these people are duplicating in their passion. So I get that it sells, and it's good for TV, but it's just annoying to see something like food as old as life itself being exploited into something that is just so basic and uninteresting.

-Just like the people who seem to want to watch it.