It's late at night, and I just came from watching a comedy. I was upbeat, and while I sat down smiling remembering the scenes from the movie that made me laugh, something odd happened.
That voice in my brain threw me a totally unrelated thought from happy and laughing, to deep and poignant.
My brain was thinking about this novel of mine that will never seem to be finished to my satisfaction. It has become a full time job to turn off this voice in my head that says that it's shit. -That nobody will read it, that nobody will see any value in it. And not because of the message of the novel; I know that this message is amazing. But the amateur writer who is trying to deliver that message, has simply never delivered that message before!!
Then I start to think that I've been torturing myself for 2 years writing here and there, (mostly in spurts) and it will prove to be an epic waste of time if it is not enjoyed.
But then amidst all this internal dialogue, the reason WHY I have been writing this book re-appears in the process. And it keeps me writing...
Had I not had a significant "WHY" in the process of writing this book, I would've given up on this a long time ago. For example, if I was simply just doing this to make money, or be famous, I would've allowed myself to quit. My brain would've finally justified to myself that I have never taken English Lit, writing courses, written anything significant, I'm not a novel reader, and I am too long winded. (Yes, I DO know this people... ;)
But those weren't the reasons WHY I began writing this book. And that proves to be the reason why I am still writing, even though I hate it right now.
As it turns out, the powerful reason why you do something always has to be bigger than yourself. You see, you wouldn't usually lose weight for yourself. There is usually 10 different reasons that finally motivates you to lose those extra lbs and change your lifestyle. -And those reasons are always bigger than you...
It reminds me of the story of the 3 stone masons working outside of the church that they were help building.
A passer by asked the first mason, "What are you doing?"
"I'm laying Brick, what does it look like I'm doing?" replied the first mason
Undeterred, she moved on to the second mason, and asked him the same question.
"I'm making a few extra bucks so that I can go to school next year. I make 15 bucks and hour here" he said
Moving to the final mason, she again asked the same question to him
"I'm helping build a gorgeous church that will stand long after I am gone from this earth. My kids, and their kids can come here to worship and tell everyone that I helped build this for the community. -Can you believe that they actually also pay me 15 bucks an hour for this honour?" he said
And that is the difference in life. What you choose to believe makes all the difference in what will make you soldier on when things in life don't go the way you expect them, or want them to. But your reason why, has to be powerful enough to realize that it is a project of worthiness. If you don't achieve it, chances are good that you are doing it for all the wrong reasons...
So, I soldier on in my novel, because I have the right "Why" in my quest. When I finally finish this novel, it won't matter how the writing factors, because I cannot expect myself to just pop out of nowhere and write a best seller. But I know that the message of my book will resonate with each of you who grace me with reading it.
And after that, all of these evil thoughts of mine will be a moot point. And that will have made all the difference (with apologies to Robert Frost...;)