Monday, November 10, 2014

Men, Sex and Cute Shoes

I had a woman ask me a question over the weekend, “Why do men Love sex so much?”

It was a good question.

I can’t tell you the scientific reason or the chemical breakdown of serotonin and dopamine levels in the male frontal lobe, but what I can tell you is that sex is very significant to most males.
Perhaps it’s the same way I don’t understand why security, cute shoes and wine are important to women, but I simply accept it. It doesn't really matter if I can’t understand it, it only matters if I accept it.

I do find it odd though because sex probably feels better to a woman than it does to a man. The best example I’ve heard came from a woman who asked me, “when you itch your ear, what feels better, your finger or your ear?”

Good point.

Males have one orgasm, females have the ability to have multiple orgasms. In fact, if I were an alien coming down from outer space, and I was presented with this logic in trying to understand the sexes, I would guess 10 times out of 10 that females were the sex crazed species, not males. I’m not suggesting that females don’t enjoy sex. However, when working with couples, I have found that whenever sex is an issue in the marriage, it’s predominantly women who have lost the urge. When women stop having sex with their spouses, it really gets interesting. For whatever reason, (and there could be hundreds of them) when women become disinterested in having sex, they expect their partners to understand, or guess why they aren’t interested instead of communicating it.

Unfortunately, men are autistically poor mind readers. So poor in fact, that they won’t play the guessing game as to why, if you don’t come right out and tell them. So if you aren’t going to have sex with him, it’s just a matter of time until he finds someone who will.

Allow me to use a playful example of this.

A woman went to her regular favourite shopping mall/store to buy a pair of shoes. She was brand and store loyal, and when she got there she saw these really cute shoes, and got really excited about them. She tried them on to see if the size was the proper fit, and it was! Then she went to buy the shoes at the counter, and the familiar store owner wouldn’t sell the shoes to her. For whatever reason, the store owner refused to sell the shoes to the woman. After trying to figure out why, and being told no many times, the woman finally got frustrated and said, “Well fine! You aren’t the only store around selling those shoes, I’ll just take my business elsewhere!” Then the store owner got all upset at the woman for taking her business elsewhere, oblivious to the fact that the woman tried her hardest to buy the shoes in this store first. This is a lose-lose situation, and it happens all the time.

Now, I understand that logic can have little space inside of emotional situations such as this. And I also understand that there is always a reason why people withhold sex as a weapon, instead of being able to communicate openly about it. There is almost always something a man has done/not done to cause a woman to feel disconnected to him and withhold, or vice-versa.

So the problem only gets worse by not communicating about it, yet that’s primarily what we don’t do. We feel it’s better to not talk about it, than really get to the root cause of what has happened, and deal with the impact.

So the problem isn’t sex, because sex is an amazing tool. The problem is about how we feel about our sexuality, or the lack of it, and then communicate it. And our sexuality isn’t going to go away, we simply repress it and justify that “it’s ok”

Yet, there are a thousand reasons to have sex. It is a great stress reliever, it releases happy thoughts, it feels amazing, it connects. There are more reasons to have sex than to do the dishes, clean the house, work more, or any other reasons we come up with to avoid the issue which has permeated itself into our sexuality.

So if you aren’t having sex with your partner and there’s some reason why, it’s just a matter of time until they find someone who will sell them a pair of shoes that they want to buy…

1 comment:

  1. yes - this is very true! WHen we are not getting along - the last thin we want is to be intimate. But also agreed - we are only hurting ourselves!
    The way I see it... women are afraid to bring issues to the attention of the man for fear of appearing needy, over-analyzing and dramatic. So if the man is more encouraging toward the woman to share her feelings he may end up getting more sex.

    If the woman can think of ways to share her feelings while at the same time providing a positive message (and some examples of what he's already doing right and encouraging him to figure out how to change the behaviour that caused the issue) then maybe he will be more willing to accept to constructive feedback.

    The worst thing for both parties is to not communicate in order to avoid conflict. Conflict can be good! I've heard makeup sex is....


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