Monday, November 17, 2014

"What is HE Thinking?! Why Won't He Tell Me?"

Women, have you ever asked your man, "What are you thinking?"

If you have ever been replied back to with the standard line, "Nothing", you are at the right blog post.

I could go a couple ways with this topic, so let me tackle the less dramatic first. Sometimes, men tell you "Nothing", he really means it. Before I explain, let me say that I am generalizing in these examples. There is nothing absolute in life like I am suggesting, yet for the most part, the pattern of how humans operate is fairly consistent in this manner.

Men have this wonderful tool to disconnect and zone out called, "The Nothing Box." Women don't have this tool. It is exclusively a man-tool. It resides inside the man-cave, next to the golf clubs, hockey sticks and the big screen TV.

Let me explain the Nothing Box. Look at the man's brain as a bunch of boxes inside of his head. There's the Sports box, the Work box, the Money Box, the Porn box, and then there's the Nothing Box. When a man goes there, he concentrates on doing Nothing, and they are good at it. It's the tune-out-the-rest-of-the-world box, and it's a coping mechanism to get back to zero, and re-charge his batteries.

By contrast, Women don't have boxes in their heads. Instead, Women have copper wire rolling around inside of their brains like a runaway roller coaster. Thoughts are all connected, and they swirl around like the proverbial hamster wheel, and it never ends. Women generally can't sit at do nothing or go to the nothing box for no good reason because the world (or they) would judge themselves too harshly that they are not being productive, worthy, efficient, or good enough. By contrast, most men simply don't give a shit.

So let's deal with the issue when you ask your man what he's thinking, and he said, "Nothing" but you feel that he's lying to you, or not wanting to share what's on his mind.

There are generally only 2 reasons why men won't share what's on their minds.

#1) They don't have the capability to express their feelings or emotions.

These are men who have been taught that whatever they have to say or feel, doesn't matter. As in, "I'd complain about it, but who would listen?" They have learned that they don't complain or talk about their feelings because they don't matter. -Words won't make a difference, because only actions create solutions, and these are just words. Men take on the problems, and suppress them instinctively. If they ask you for help, which rarely happens, it is for advise or a solution, not just to talk.

#2) He doesn't feel safe in telling you, sharing or being vulnerable.

First of all, because men are geared to be providers and protectors, they don't feel safe in being vulnerable. Vulnerability is a weakness to them, not a strength. Men think that they are not providing strength. In the man's world, Women want and need to feel safe, and it's the man's job to provide that. So even it they wanted to share their feelings, they are hesitant because it's not normal for them. They want to project strength, not weakness because they don't have all the answers.

For the most part, men are ok with feelings, but they are put off by DRAMA. Men are ok with women's feelings, but not over-reactions. So if you hear the word, that you "over-react"in your relationship, it might be something to consider.  So if your man doesn't answer your question about what he's feeling, he simply doesn't feel it's safe to do so. It's not going to be worth the drama that it might cause by being honest. To him, it's simpler this way...

So here's the thing: If the woman is responsible with her emotions, responds in a Loving and caring manner with understanding, compassion, and not judgement or anger, he will share. Men need to feel supported more than any other feeling they have. If you support your man the way it makes sense for him, you will see him find another gear to dig down deep, and work harder at the relationship in making you happy. Support is even more important than sex to a man. It's the answer to all of his issues, and it will give you connection.

Anything other than that way of support will get you the simple and easy reaction, "Nothing."

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