Friday, February 18, 2011

My First Childhood Lust.

Gail Tymko...

The first REAL crush of my young life. You were my inspiration, you were the lust of my life. You were the first to motivate me to work out at the tender age of 12 years old, so that I would be able to beat up your boyfriend, Rick Gordon in a fight someday. You were the first to bring out my ghetto side and make me make a voodoo doll of Rick Gordon. I poked his eyes out with pins for months, and yet the guy still walked on as if nothing happened. Shit, on to Plan B...

Rick Gordon was built like a MACK truck and just as wide, and he was 5 years older than me. He shaved at age 13, and had a Tom Selleck moustache at age 16; something that I wouldn't be able to grow in my 30's.

I sent Gail Valentines, and chased her around school so that she would get the hint that I was in love with her. I was 12 years old then, but I was built like I was 13, and surely Gail would see all that hard work I had put in to this sweet bod of mine.

I had the hottest girlfriend in grade 7, but next to Gail, she was just a kid. Gail was a real, live Wo-man. She was 5 years older than me. -An older woman, just think of the possibilities!! She was even wearing a bra, and filled it out too... wow, what a woman. I needed to have her, all of her, right now, I couldn't wait...

My 12 year old body was pumping with anabolic testosterone. It was coursing through my young mongrol blood and I was a victim to it. I had to do something drastic...

Gail's father was the principal in my elementary school. I misbehaved so badly for weeks so that he was FORCED to strap me. I did this because I wanted him to come home and casually drop it over dinner something like this,

"You know that Bastie boy was bad again today. This is the first time I have ever seen a kid be so bad. I've had to strap him 4 times already, and he just won't get it. Man, he's BAD. Gail, if you ever go out with a bad ass like that, I'll disown you."

Then, as women work, he would've slipped up! EVERYONE knows that women only go out with badasses that their father dispises!! But alas, Plan B didn't work...Rick Gordon was still in the picture.

I chased her to a schoolyard for Plan C with my fellow conspirator, Cory Bush. Plan "See" was the time I saw her wearing a white shirt on a hot summer day. Mistake! I went back to my house which was 5 blocks away, and carried back the biggest pail of water that my little arms could carry. I was gonna plan "C" those boobs of hers when I soaked her white T-shirt like in a Girls Gone Wild video. It was the greatest truimph of my young life. It was my masterpiece! Man, Rick Gordon pinned me down and beat the piss outta my spaghetti arms with haymakers that I can still see in my worst nightmares. But god help me, I saw Gail Tymko's nipple!!

As Rick was wailing on me, all I could scream out was, "It was worth it!! I'd do it again, I'd do it again!" Of course, this just made him wail on me harder. But it was SO worth it...

Well, today is Gail's birthday. So I thought rather than just sending her a really boring "Happy Birthday" line on facebook, I would let her know what really happened on that day, over 25 years ago.

So Happy Birthday Gail. I hope this makes you feel great knowing that you were the first lust of my life ;)


  1. LMFAO!!! Poor Gail!! I kind of feel sorry for the gf you had at the time though......hope she doesnt see this! lol
    Is this when your obsession with boobs started?

  2. What about when you went to Bergmans and She was working that day. You asked for a mackages of packages. No I mean a pack of mackages ( not sure of spelling) How cute.


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