Saturday, September 25, 2010

Down with New Jersey!!

This is not a test, this is a rant.

I despise New Jersey. I thought about it today, and there is nothing at all that I like about it.

It all starts with the New Jersey Devils and their trap defense that makes watching them painful. I would rather watch Scottish Premiership Soccer (sorry Kevin) and a 3 day cricket test match than watch the New Jersey Devils play hockey. -AND this being said, that I love Martin Brodeur in goal. The fact that they signed Ilya Kovalpuke to a 100 million dollar contract makes it even worse. Being a Flyers fan, I should naturally hate the Devils, but I don't even need to be a Flyers fan to hate them.

If I liked basketball (which I don't, and I think is a waste of good synthetic leather) I would have a case because The New Jersey Nets are pitiful, AND that loser Vince Carter played for them. That's all the time I want to spend on basketball...

The Boss? Never got into him. I like "Glory Days" and that's about it. I wasn't born in the USA, so I really don't "get" that song, and I never liked Courtney Cox, so "Dancing in the Dark" has no appeal to me.

Jersey Girl was the worst movie of all time. That's what you get Ben Affleck when you associate yourself with J-Lo.

Jersey Milk chocolate bars were just plain chocolate. What fun is that?! If you're going to do that, take a lesson from Hershey and create kisses or something.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey specifically demonstrate what is wrong with the entire state. What a bunch of whores...

The Jersey Shore is entertaining, but only because it makes my pitiful life look marvelous in comparison to their moronic ones; although I must say that I do miss waking up at noon, and then doing the GTL thing (Gym, tan, laundry) I think these people DO represent New Jersey in a fitting manner, and it looks good on them for creating such a stereotype.

One can only cross the Hudson and cruise into New Jersey and marvel at the swamplands. They should take a picture of that and put it on postcards just to keep people away. In fact, I wonder how the immigrants coming in on the boat from other countries and docked at Ellis Island to sign the registry looked at the New Jersey Shore, and didn't puke in their mouths and die like John Bonham.

Newark... That's all that needs to be said about that.

Trenton, New Jersey is a nice place... TO GET MUGGED IN BROAD DAYLIGHT that is. I have never driven in a place where I hoped to God that my power locks didn't fail, and that I didn't run out of gas as I ignored every red light and actually hoped a cop WOULD pull me over just so I could get a police escort.

Well, at least the only GOOD thing I can say about New Jersey is the beautiful city of Atlantic City. It's a nice safe place and it's very clean and I think I would want to retire there. hahahahahahahahahaha That was funny. I almost had you going there. If you believed me, you have obviously never been there, and think it looks just like your Monopoly board at home... Not so much.

I am now boycotting all things Jersey, and I would encourage you to do the same.

End Rant.

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