It is Fall!!
God, how I have waited all year for Fall to arrive. I could watch about 40 hours a week of sports in every week until December. It could literally be a full-time job.
Therefore, I need help and this year, I am going to ask for it.
I cam currently looking for a MALE sports fan to be my new BFF. You will need the following to apply:
1) NHL, College Football, NFL and MLB experience as a fan. I follow the Flyers, Ohio State Buckeyes, Dallas Cowboys/Washington Redskins (fucked, I know...) and New York Yankees, so if you follow any of my rivals, this might not work out well for you...
2) Preferably you will be a 40 Short men's jacket, between 5"7-5"8 so that we can interchange wardrobes and clothing. Anything more than a 34" waist need not apply. Also, I have a short inseam, so high waisted people just won't work.
3) Fitness is important, but I would rather be the better looking person if we are a "couple" so if you are fat, you must have a great , witty personality for me to forgo the wardrobe clause.
4) You must have passion!! If you are an engineer with no people skills, I will eat you up. If you are a gear head, please put your first passion of cars away and let's concentrate on Sports for at least the Fall. Let's keep our eye on the big picture please. There will be road trips, so please clear your schedule of work, family, kids and other less important things in your life for good times ;)
5) I am a giver. I like to please. Example. "I'm getting up to go get a beer, you look like you need a new one, can I get you a fresh beer?" "I just put on a new rack of ribs because I know that they are your favourite; they should be ready in about 15 mins." "I know how much you love busty waitresses, so I gave your number to that chick you were asking about last night. She said that she thought you were cute, and she wanted to go out with you. I took care of it." All of these statements are made without eye contact, because we don't need to be gay about it. It's just what we do...
6) If you can't throw something valuable when your team loses, I don't want to know you.
7) Pillow talk about how your hockey pool is not going so well is understood and is valued. We can talk about it all night if need be. I want you to feel validated before going to sleep.
8) There are no jealousy issues amongst us men. If I admire another man's physique and say shit like, "He must work out", it has NO bearing that you think I am throwing a line like you "look fat in those pants" in your direction. I don't need to tell you to get your ass to the gym on Monday to work off what you ate on the couch on Sunday watching Ball.
9) High 5's and team hugs after a huge win is NOT considered gay, and it is actually encouraged as being passionate about the sport. If I hug or high 5 other guys, it doesn't mean I love you any less. This is understood, but needs to be repeated after point #8.
10) After the season is over, we give each other the "good game" hug (big hug with a couple taps on the back that are overly exaggerated in front of others so that nobody mistakenly thinks that we are overly affectionate with each other in a non-heterosexual way) and then we go our separate ways until the following Fall season. If the season was a good one, you might be allowed to throw out a line such as " I love you man" and not get punched in the face for it. Please don't ruin a bad season, and make it worse by throwing this line out...Have a brain please...
If these criteria match your warped sense of being and you want to apply to be my new BFF, please drop me a line.
And Please, for the love of GOD, if you have a vagina, you need not apply. I don't care HOW cool you think you are, this position is not for you.
For those serious applicants, please send references to speed the process up. Hockey is about to start in a couple weeks, and like everything else, I have left this to the last minute.