Wednesday, January 13, 2010
If I were Kate Gosselin for a day...
I'd like to play role play today!!
I think I'm going to play this game from time to time and today, I'm going to be Kate Gosselin from "Jon & Kate Plus 8" fame.
(If you have been hiding under a rock for the past 5 years, Kate Gosselin is the woman who has a set of twins and a set of sextuplets. In total, she has 8 kids. Her dumbass estranged husband Jon finally left her and now they are living separate lives.)
Anyway, I'm playing the role of Kate today. So the first thing I did this morning when I woke up is get my organic coffee. It's probably packaged by Columbians who don't know what "organic" is, but they know that there is a higher mark-up on people like me who need organic products so they package it as such. (Columbians 1, Kate 0. Well Done, Columbia;)
Well, the caffeine hasn't kicked in yet, so I plan on yelling at my super annoying eldest twin Maddy first. This kid is the mirror image of what I deserve as a parent, so that makes her the biggest foot-stomping, whiney, snot-nosed, control freak of a 9 year old that can be found. I don't see it yet, but the similarity of how she is compared to the genes I gave her is almost uncanny.
Next, I planned to get my HAIR EXTENSIONS. Only I get my picture on the front page of People Magazine for getting hair extensions. Oh, and LOOK, Jersey Shore and Elin are beside me with envy! Sorry, side track comment there, what was I saying? Oh yeah, my hair... They take 20 hours to put in, but, hell I'm worth it because I'm Kate Gosselin!
Yes, I'm tired of all the papparazzi taking photographs of my kids and seeing how bad my hair really is. When I looked in the mirror at the hairstylist, I actually thought it looked kinda cool for a 30 something yummy mummy. Hell, I would shag me, even though my husband won't. Oh well, his loss. I'll let some hot Latino make me feel feel like a woman if he doesn't want some of this... I even made sure that I got some new silicon tickets for the next guy to play with just to make it interesting. They usually go for about 6 grand a set, but I get all my surgeries and trips comp'ed because, well, I'm Kate Gosselin, that's why...
Oh God, my phone's ringing. It's Jon calling from his NYC condo with that tramp of a hussy he calls girlfriend. I can't believe that I write books (2 so far) and go out on the road where people wait in line for hours to have me sign their copy just so I can support his lame ass and allow him to buy that hussy a $20,000 rock. I mean, he bought me a cubic zirconia when we first got engaged when we were out of Penn State! He said it was a diamond, but I think he got duped... I can't believe I let him inseminate me. -Twice...Ugh!!
Well, at least I get to go work out with my personal trainer. God, is he hunky!! Of course, he MUST wantsome of this. Who wouldn't? -I'm Kate Gosselin! I'm going to be a movie star someday, you just wait and see.
Well, after that "work out" (I must've burned at least 300 calories the HARD way...) I'm back to deal with my little rug-rats. 8 kids can make you go a little crazy...and I know that you've seen me lose it a couple times on TV, but you don't know what I go through in a day. Making a million dollars working from home is a stressful thing!! Well, what am I saying, You wouldn't know because you are poor. Well, I may be a control freak, a bossy, annoying, foot-stomper who uses her kids to make millions. But you are poor. I'm sorry if that hurts you, but you are....
And I'm rich.
Well, I have to go into make-up now. The show wants to shoot and now that my caffeine has kicked in and now that I have all my womanly needs met by my little Latino love machine, I can appear calm on the set with my kids.
Thanks for sharing a day with me, I'm Kate Gosselin. Look for me in all the Papparazzi magazines that give me all the superstar status of a celebrity, even though I simply have 8 kids and a dumbass ex-husband.
Oh Whatever! I see you rolling your eyes!! I don't care what you think. Until you stop watching my show, and I'm back to being a regular citizen again without attention. Attention that feeds my reality show which in turn allows me a lavish lifestyle for me and my kids. Hmmmm, let me ponder that...
Wait, What was I saying?
Oh, who cares, I'm Kate Gosselin...