Thursday, January 28, 2010

A Long Hard January

The winter here is cold... & bitter.

It's chilled us to the bone,
I haven’t seen the sun for weeks,
Too long, too far from home.

I feel just like I’m sinking,
And I claw for solid ground,
I’m pulled down by the undertow,
I never thought I could feel so low,

And oh darkness, I just feel like letting go.
If all the of the strength and all of the courage,
Come and lift me from this place,
I know I can love you much better than this,

Full of grace,

Full of grace,

My love.

It's better this way, I say,

Haven't seen this place before,
Where everything we say and do,
Hurts us all the more.
It’s just that we stayed, too long,

In the same old sickly skin,
I’m pulled down by the undertow,
I never thought I could feel so low,
And oh darkness I just feel like letting go.

If all of the strength and all of the courage,
Come and lift me from this place,
I know I could love you much better than this,
Full of grace.

I know I can love you much better than this,

It’s better this way.

-Sarah McLachlan



-Now I've heard this song a million times, and I've often listened to it coming home late at night during the winter and felt like winter was beautiful. I had never really heard the words of hurt ooozing out of the lyrics. Not until this month of January hit me like a tree falling down on me, have I understood what these words mean. I feel like I wrote this song this month, because it describes exactly how I feel.

Deep in the dark aspects of a Canadian winter where the sun is scarce, and nothing grows but your longing for positive momentum to move forward... You are stuck, and it seems that winter is never ending. You wake up and exist everyday, rather than getting the joy out of a day that may be your last. You think to yourself, "I have time today to do what I want, and I know that there is somebody out there struggling for their last breath to survive and is fighting to see another day." But that doesn't seem to bring any comfort to you, because you don't respond to logic at this point.

You are still in the old same sickly skin, and being pulled down by the undertow, and you have never felt so low.

The promise of another day raises new anxieties, and if you would be able to hide in a cave, you would.

I just need some positive momentum to get me going. Is that too much too ask? There are really bad people out there who are happier than I am right now. How is that possible? I try and keep my thoughts positive, and move forward with the old cliches that I have forever convinced myself exist. But they seem of little comfort at this moment. In fact, nothing but quiet time away from it all makes me feel overwhelmed.

But still, you move forward. -The journey of a thousand miles starts with one step, right?

Rest if you must, but do not quit... It gets better, and when it does, you will forget this.

Nope...

I don't think so.

I'll remember this so that I never feel this way again.

Thank you Sarah McLachlan for writing a song that makes sense and making it beautiful so that you can enjoy it and still feel it's pain.

And here's hoping February doesn't have the sting that January carries...

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